Thoughts I can’t escape from, so I face them by writing them and sharing them.
On clouds of grey,
Thunder rolls,
As if signifying the end to come,
Lightning flashes,
Bones rattle,
A cold wind pervades all,
The end is nigh,
Yet we do not fret,
We sing and sing,
Until we forget all our regrets,
And when tomorrow’s sun,
Rises once more,
We sing and we sing,
Or so a little birdie told me.
I’m so sick of the tension,
Sick of the struggle,
All of the reasons I tell myself,
That I don’t deserve to live,
Make it day by day,
As if I’m too afraid,
All these emotions playing around,
A out deep in my stomach sinks,
My heart starts racing,
I feel trapped,
With no way to escape,
The only way out of reality,
I don’t wanna go there,
Sometimes I have to make myself believe,
That there’s more to death,
Some say a forever rest,
I want that second chance,
Ready player round 2!
Wander the world and throughout time,
Never have to worry,
We’d never have to cry.
I put myself out there again,
But I get nothing back,
What does it mean?
Did what I do not matter?
How will I know if what I’m doing is good?
I look a lot onto others,
I rely on their thoughts,
I’m a slave to them.
Why does it even matter?
Why do I care?
I keep asking but I get no answers,
I’ll always be searching if I can’t give it up.
I tell myself that nothing else matters,
As I keep getting worked up,
I give a fuck about what you say about me,
But I stress myself out,
If I feel like I can change,
I’ll do whatever it takes,
To be accepted,
To be respected,
To get this shit out of my head.
Why does it even matter,
Why do I care?
I keep asking but I get no answers,
I’ll always be searching if I can’t give it up.
Since my earliest memory,
I’ve always felt bad when I’m remembering,
Living up to the expectations,
What I thought was set up by my family,
I see know is my own reflections,
How I want to be,
All I want to see,
I’m sick of seeing everybody else make it,
Why can’t it be me,
How come I could never see that,
Why does it even matter?
Why do I care?
I keep asking but I get no answers,
I’ll always be searching if I can’t give it up.
Until I get it,
Everything clicks,
Perseverance leads to productivity,
How can I accomplish,
How can I contribute,
When I just don’t act?
So I will,
I’ll make it up the hill.
I’ve got an addiction,
Maybe more like an affliction,
I’ve got no self control,
I fuck with Uber Eats,
Cuz they got what I need,
Or so I keep telling myself,
I wanna be healthy,
I wanna be lean,
I don’t feel like putting in effort,
I’m too busy living in daydreams.
I’ve got an addiction,
Maybe more like an affliction,
I can’t stop myself,
Eat enough to get too stuffed,
Hate myself more than enough,
It hurts to move,
About to explode,
My thoughts turn to vomiting,
Back in the kitchen it keeps calling me,
I need to get out,
Bigger and bigger; I’m being weighed down
I’ve got an addiction,
Maybe more like an affliction,
Something I can’t escape from,
How can I stop when I need food to live,
I know I need to stop,
But my thoughts can’t be dropped,
There’s more,
Just let me get seconds,
It’s still left over,
Thirds and fourths are a blessing,
No it isn’t, it’s always a curse,
Never use Tupperware,
We don’t believe in leftovers,
I need it all now,
Before I’m on my deathbed,
I hope I can be hand fed,
I’ve got an addiction,
Maybe more like an affliction.
Allusion,
Illusion,
It all adds to my confusion,
In everything I see,
Your smile gazing back at me,
My thoughts wrapped around a barrel,
Ready to explode,
Let unload,
Torment and chaos,
As it was all told,
In a story I knew nothing about,
But heresay from person to person,
Told me about you.
So I sought,
What I knew nothing about,
Something I once heard,
Still the details elude me,
Because once I understood,
I felt no need to understand.
I knew it all,
But still I asked why,
How come I must suffer still alive?
I begged for it to end,
It never came,
Still I remain,
Stuck as a seed in the mud,
No room to grow,
No way to sprout,
Beyond my flesh,
Still remains,
My mind lives on,
Though am I the same?
Neural networks spark,
Flashes of knowledge,
Or motive,
Or what I feel my heart says.
I will remain.
Hey there. I’ve made a channel to produce spoken versions of my poetry and other stuff.
there is a version of “I Don’t Try” currently posted, I’d love feedback on it.
Thanks.
I can’t believe,
I’m having this,
A conversation that I’ve dreaded,
A path that seemed,
I wouldn’t be headed.
I’ve got to do this,
For you,
But really only myself,
If I would’ve gone sooner,
No telling what could’ve happened.
Drifting through a sea,
Of emptiness pouring over,
Head dips into the deepend,
Tumbling over and over,
Falling through eternity.
I’ve woken up,
Felt like I was dreaming for ages,
Why I still love you,
Will haunt me in stages,
Acceptance,
It’s fine,
I can be without,
Desperation,
I need you,
I could never do without,
Hesitation,
To run,
Just to get out,
Memories,
Where you’ll be,
If ever I’m in doubt.
I can be better,
Only without you,
See,
I can be the best me,
But with you I’ll never leave.
How can it be real,
When the feelings I feel,
Aren’t even true,
But the things they say,
Tell me I am nothing,
Tell me I am nobody,
That what I love isn’t real and I should kill to make it feel,
Like it all matters.
But nothing that I do matters.
Caught in another tornado,
I’m setting up pins in the alley,
Topple them quick.
Like a flick of the wrist,
A good day turns bad.
I’m reminded that I will never do,
Reach that certain point,
Be like those other people,
Who were a great class of people,
Loved and admired.
The pain always feels real.
They are just pictures,
Composed of many needles,
I’ve never had acupuncture,
But these acara go deep,
You couldn’t unsee it if you tried.
Because I can’t,
I will always remember the pain,
Cascading down the cascades,
No feeling betrayed.
I am the one that betrays,
Whatever you do don’t listen what he says,
It’s a lie,
I am a lie,
They’ll all find out,
Realize the person I am,
And all will singlw file out.
Leaving me,
Trapped in a cacophony,
Of self hatred and more lies,
What is true?
I can’t design,
My own exit of these pretentious,
Similar sounding words.
What do they mean?
I know the definition,
But why do I feel,
What they envoke.
Why do I seal my own future?
It is inevitable,
Sometimes unfathomable,
To see a reflection you once knew,
indistinguishable,
The memory burns bright,
Scarring eyes,
Heartfelt lies.
Im upset that ypu would change,
my name,
we held it in such high regard,
but you stopped saying mine a year ago.
The person that you knew is,
no longer alive,
far too much has happened in the blinking of my eye,
what words that were beautiful,
become callous and hard,
what feelings attached cant comprehend,
the feeling of a lonesome night’s call,
I miss the talks,
I miss it all,
but far too much change,
has taken claim,
in our hearts,
we stay young,
caught in the past,
love affair.
Caught in the rain,
Torrential falling,
Lakes made of my tears,
All that change ignores,
My pleading for you,
My voice is unheard,
Silent and forgotten.
ADHD is like,
It’s like,
It’s like,
It’s like…
A wave, overcoming my mind,
Turning it into a cloudy day,
I can’t focus, because I’m too focused.
My mouth is rambling,
My mind is rattling,
I feel like I could fall over at any moment,
Greet the pavement with my face.
Maybe then it would stop,
Clear the way for coherent thoughts.
Intangible optimism,
Suits me well,
Because all I do is worry, worry, worry,
with nobody to tell.
So I write, sitting wih all my might,
Try to stay focused,
Not to feel hopeless,
To remind myself I am not soul-less.
I struggle day to day,
Nervous fixations,
Excited imagination,
Telling myself I matter,
To not give up.
But do my words get through,
The muck that is my brain?
Trapped Inside My Head 
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