On Finding Love

They said I can’t find love,

Due to childhood trauma,

Most likely stemming,

From when I was abandoned by mama,

It’s something I need to work through,

But how do I know when I’ve done it?

My already low self confidence plummets,

Will I ever be ok?

Is it all just to fill a void?

A stupid coping mechanism,

Devised when I was a boy?

I was told this isn’t who I am,

But it’s all I’ve ever known,

The loneliness abundant,

Within isolation’s glow,

As I lay,

Dying in my tomb,

Constructed by my doubts,

Are the miniscule truths,

I don’t know if I’ll ever be ok,

I am who I am,

And that’s gotta be enough.

Short story: Project Javelin (unedited)

Project Javelin

Believing he had no place on Earth with powers, Hector chose to give up everything he had ever known. Joining the nation’s top scientists, Hector sought to help humanity in a way that nobody could. Hector will convert himself into pure energy and travel into Deep Space, sowing life on habitable planets for the Human Race. A lonely existence to say the least. Hector will be accompanied by a crew of autonomous robots, designed to wake and release Hector from his sleeping state, when they arrive at each fertile planet. While in a state of pure energy, Hector will not require the basic necessities that he does as a human. He can live eternally as energy if he chose to; he does not require oxygen, nor does he need to eat, he simply is.
While he sleeps, the oxygen will no longer run and temperatures will be lower than humans can survive, but robots can still operate. The ship will be maintained and livable for a certain number of years, one human lifetime to be exact. At which point the systems will no longer function and human life will no longer be supported. The ship will then be set on a course for the nearest star, some 300,000,000 miles away where it will plunge itself inside, destroying all aboard.
Hector didn’t seemed phased while reading the methods at which he will cease to exist. Did it matter to him? He felt alone. Classified as ‘Gifted’, nobody to be close with. It seems like everybody leaves when he confides his ‘illnesses’. Forever longing to connect, he hides his flaws and in turn his true identity. Hector had dreamed of using his gifts for good at a much earlier age than he is now, but the Age of Heroes had ended before he knew the differences that exist in the world. Some call it ‘Reality’, others call it “The Harsh Truth”. Hector lives day to day within this disappointing world where dreams do not come true.
Although Hector is young, he has lived a lot: losing his parents, developing depression and social anxiety, making sure he isolated himself from this world that he believes is beyond help. Until one day he came across a post on his favorite forum, looking for “those with gifts interested in helping make a difference.” Hector had loved space the idea of finding new life. He thought his level of isolation made hi a perfect candidate. At this point in time, we have yet to find other intelligent life. With Earth nearing the end of habitability for humans, we look to the stars with vials of life.
These vials contain bacteria, microbes and all the necessary components for life to eventually develop on Earth-like planets. Along with these vials, a satellite is deployed and after 10 million years, when its energy is depleted, it descends into the planet for the predominant species to discover and learn about Us. Such an historic mission. Hector will go uncredited for his role in this, but he wasn’t bothered by that much, he wanted to know that what he was doing mattered.
The scientists and Hector worked around the clock and used his unique abilities to enhance the endeavor. They discovered his ability to not age or die as pure energy, it cannot be destroyed and they theorized that this method would allow Hector to live longer and travel farther than humans are able to by hundreds of millions of light years. They have constructed a device that will act as a container, to hold the energy so it does not provide power and inadvertently run out, killing Hector in the process. If not let out of this container by the robotic crew, he will live forever inside, unable to reform into mass without adequate space.
After weighing the pros and cons of the situation, Hector decided to proceed, giving up everything. Hector found his power to be very useful finally. Experiments conducted to ensure his safety during this journey passed the necessary requisites, with no one but his robotic crew, Hector spent his last night on Earth.

-20 Years Later-

This mission has gone smoothly thus far, Hector spends the majority of his time in Stasis. The crew of the Afterra work without needs that their human counterpart does. The only way to ensure Hector’s survival is this stasis. If he didn’t, the food and oxygen supplies both would run out far quicker than one would imagine.
“All systems operational. Begin artificial gravity and atmosphere cycle.” The computerized voice spoke.
“Thank you, Sam.” A robot named Grieves said, engaging in a tradition started by Hector at the beginning of their journey. Sam wasn’t the computer’s name, just that it reminded Hector of his childhood computer. Streamers mounted on multiple vents around the ship’s bridge began flailing in the wind which was to tell Hector that the oxygen is indeed circulating. Imperceptible to the metal men, Hector wanted visible assurance that no oxygen would be wasted by accidentally being left on while in stasis. Grieves was sure his ship was happy to whirr about again, happy to be of use again, as he himself likes.
“Oxygen levels nominal.” Arthur, a portly-built robot with a thick mustache confirmed to Captain Grieves. “Beginning artificial gravity in 5.” The robots around the machines cared not if gravity was on or off, they were mounted to the ship and could only move around their stations. They didn’t need gravity, nor could they perceive a difference, they simply performed their duties as designed. To anybody else, the pressure and shift from free-fall to stable gravity would be impossible to ignore, but as robots, they were simply built different.
“Artificial gravity sustained, nominal.” Arthur rotely declared.
“All that’s left is to unlatch the lid.” Grieves noted, silently instructing the crew, referring to the Stasis Chamber where Hector stayed. Housed in the center of the circular room is a large metal structure jutting from the floor and ceiling. Within the center of the structure sat a barrier in case of emergency, or danger, that housed the device. It housed a sophisticated machine the size of an old whiskey flask with a window in the center showing the contents. While Hector “slept”, it would glow pink and pulse like a heart. Nobody knew why it happened, but it did all the same. The window is purely aesthetic, designed to be ‘pleasing to look at’ claimed the lead scientist of Project Javelin. Its inner workings verify the contents and capacity, to prevent any possible leaks that may occur. And so it was. The robot Ensign unlatched the encasing and in a flash, Hector stood among the crew.
“That time again, huh?” Hector yawned.
“Affirmative.” Sam spoke up.
“Thanks Sam.” Hector said while beginning his morning stretch routine.
“As per the schedule, you will begin your daily muscle rebuilding, mental rehabilitation and then be briefed on the newest information and details regarding our mission.” Grieves reminded. Hector of course knew all of this, as his time in stasis was like sleep. He was conscious, but the years fly by as quickly as the night and he is awake yet again. Hector loved the stasis he goes in, he had dreams of his past and other things, it always makes him feel warm. Feel as if he belonged and nothing else mattered but love. As always, he awoke to reality, a dark sky filled with infinite nothingness. With nobody to share an intimate moment. Hector did not regret his decision, although loneliness is rampant, he focuses on self-actualizing his dreams and aspirations, as well as focusing on work. He is after all, the harbinger of life to many new worlds.
Hector spent his time working out, journaling and meditation, planned cognitive lessons, ensuring he stays capable of completing his task and not falling into madness. As usual, nothing was amiss and later that day he headed back to the bridge chamber for his debriefing. He sat at the an open chair among the many about. He told the scientists that if he had only one chair, he would become complacent, so they gave him a few and he chooses a new seat each meeting. He sat at a station with an available terminal, mirrored Grieves’ screen and was ready.
“This is the 23rd planet in our journey out of 150. Ship operations are working as expected.” Grieves sounded proud while saying the last bit, like it was a great accomplishment to hold the ship together. “We are currently in mid-orbit and plan to gradually enter the atmosphere, landing on a central land-mass ideal for the bacteria to thrive and develop human life. Initial scans have shown this is likely a high candidate to sustain life and that has NOT changed. We shall continue as planned.”
Days later, Hector stands in a suit, sowing the literal seeds of life onto a familiar but alien world. As he finishes, he wonders what they will be like, his children in a sense. Will they choose to hate others based solely on their differences or will they choose to love? His mental rehabilitation has taught him to hate humanity less, not to give into his thoughts of complete hopelessness and despair no matter how logical they may seem. They are only thoughts, nothing more. Hector enjoys being awake now, but the loneliness is still there. He can’t binge a TV show or even watch a single movie, any resource wasted goes against the plan and the mission could end sooner than hoped.
This job is now finished and Hector is looking forward to waking up the next time, but he also wants to go back to his dream-like world and stay a little longer if possible. Hector finishes tidying up his things and heads to the Stasis Chamber where the robot crew will keep an eye on him and the ship. He likes his crew. Once Hector is back in stasis, Grieves encounters a problem and is unable to fix it. Hector wouldn’t know this of course, he is back asleep.
The crew work for years, too far for a specialist on Earth to communicate with, if indeed humanity lasted this long. The ship cuts all power, to conserve remaining fuel and energy. Grieves alone stays operational to attempt repairs. The robot is much older now and in no shape to repair himself, let alone the ship. So he sleeps, until one day he may live and work once again. The ship slowly rattled by debris, losing its orbit that was maintained by Grieves and the robot crew. It slowly but inevitably falls toward the mighty gravity of the nearest star. Hector and the crew, dreaming of a better world.

Untitled 2021

She said to me,
“I am not the one!”
But I explained,
I am the prodigal son.
Shit was written,
In the form of a gun,
The blast explodes,
It’s pain it unfolds,
Into my heart,
Carving out my flesh,
I fall back but keep,
My chin to my chest,
To protect my head,
From splattering the pavement,
A killer animal encaged in,
My mind,
But it only mewes and whines,
I’m not the carnivore,
I thought I was,
Bring myself to the fetal position,
Bracing before they make an incision,
It’s for the best,
Hiding underwater my head begins to crest,
As I pounce out,
You’re twenty times more agile,
You escape and I’m left,
Grasping out in despair,
I wasn’t reaching to attack,
I was drowning and hoping for escape,
I reached out to you,
But you ran,
I can’t keep my head above the waves,
Gulping it down,
It breaks the barrier of my lungs,
It hurts,
I cough and lose focus,
Falling deeper and deeper,
The bottom growth attached to my leg,
Pulling me closer,
Is this the embrace that I craved?
Is this the intimacy,
That I prayed for every night,
I can’t be sure,
As my skin loses warmth,
And my movements slow,
I’m not thrashing,
Because it doesn’t matter,
I’ve lost the will,
To fight it,
I fall into the void,
I’ve always loved the cold,
And the darkness that envelopes,
I feel a sense of familiarity,
Like it’s somewhere I belong,
The only one to accept me,
The unfeeling void,
The uncaring beyond,
I finally see the appeal,
To become nothing,
To stop feeling,
To become one,
With the void.

A scribbling about feelings

I feel as though you are lost.

It’s hard for me to believe it

But there is no other answer.

I thought that time away would be good,

But it’s left me feeling like

This is some kind of cancer.

Why the hell am I so obsessed?

I don’t acknowledge it

As obsession,

But I think to you

and calling it that seems like something you would do.

I’m not trying to be disillusioned,

Do you really feel nothing?

How can this be so one sided?

I dont understand it!

But what I’m failing to do is consider your feelings.

You’ve told me over and over

Yet I heard nothing.

I can’t change but I want you

To remain I know is selfish…

I can’t explain.

Writing Prompt: End with “So A Little Birdie Told Me.”

On clouds of grey,

Thunder rolls,

As if signifying the end to come,

Lightning flashes,

Bones rattle,

A cold wind pervades all,

The end is nigh,

Yet we do not fret,

We sing and sing,

Until we forget all our regrets,

And when tomorrow’s sun,

Rises once more,

We sing and we sing,

Or so a little birdie told me.

A Sacrifice For The Greater Good

I’m weak,

But I feel so brave,

Not where it counts,

I’d never have what it takes,

I fantasize about it daily,

What if a gun was pointed to my head,

I’d take that shit,

Flip it real quick,

Have the shooter on his ass,

And be crowned a hero.

I’m not what I believe,

Based on something I can’t see,

I won’t amount to much,

Yet I still pretend it’s me,

Maybe it’s how I was raised?

If you’re too afraid to beat ’em, join ’em,

Claim what they do,

Bang what they do,

Sit and lie awake at what I’ve gotten myself into.

I know this isn’t who I am,

I want to be part of something,

A family like I never had,

I left them of my own volition,

To lead a better life,

I know I can,

After ten years,

Of feeling alone,

I’m tired of being all on my own,

There’s got to be something bigger,

More to life than a simple riddle.

What lies Beyond

I’m so sick of the tension,

Sick of the struggle,

All of the reasons I tell myself,

That I don’t deserve to live,

Make it day by day,

As if I’m too afraid,

All these emotions playing around,

A out deep in my stomach sinks,

My heart starts racing,

I feel trapped,

With no way to escape,

The only way out of reality,

I don’t wanna go there,

Sometimes I have to make myself believe,

That there’s more to death,

Some say a forever rest,

I want that second chance,

Ready player round 2!

Wander the world and throughout time,

Never have to worry,

We’d never have to cry.

Doing Nothing; Expecting Something

I put myself out there again,

But I get nothing back,

What does it mean?

Did what I do not matter?

How will I know if what I’m doing is good?

I look a lot onto others,

I rely on their thoughts,

I’m a slave to them.

Why does it even matter?

Why do I care?

I keep asking but I get no answers,

I’ll always be searching if I can’t give it up.

I tell myself that nothing else matters,

As I keep getting worked up,

I give a fuck about what you say about me,

But I stress myself out,

If I feel like I can change,

I’ll do whatever it takes,

To be accepted,

To be respected,

To get this shit out of my head.

Why does it even matter,

Why do I care?

I keep asking but I get no answers,

I’ll always be searching if I can’t give it up.

Since my earliest memory,

I’ve always felt bad when I’m remembering,

Living up to the expectations,

What I thought was set up by my family,

I see know is my own reflections,

How I want to be,

All I want to see,

I’m sick of seeing everybody else make it,

Why can’t it be me,

How come I could never see that,

Why does it even matter?

Why do I care?

I keep asking but I get no answers,

I’ll always be searching if I can’t give it up.

Until I get it,

Everything clicks,

Perseverance leads to productivity,

How can I accomplish,

How can I contribute,

When I just don’t act?

So I will,

I’ll make it up the hill.

The Truth Is

I can’t tell you why,

I don’t try harder,

I can’t explain why,

I feel like I don’t matter,

I’m doing nothing to contribute,

Just kind of wasting away,

My thoughts are so convoluted,

Is it mental decay?

Why am I afraid to be left alone,

Cuz my thoughts always turn morbid,

Constantly remembering,

That I don’t know what’s after death,

I tell myself that it’s heaven,

But it just doesn’t seem true.

I’m looking for escape,

I don’t want to be alive but I don’t want to die,

Reality is eternal,

It’s got me boxed in,

I can’t run and I can’t hide,

No matter what I try,

Escapism is all that gets me by,

Until it’s my time.

I’ll never be ready,

To stop living,

Too much to see and to learn,

Then why am I here?

I know I don’t have forever,

So I lay and waste away,

How can I change,

To face the coming days?

Changee

I’m sick of change,

I don’t want this pain,

Why can’t everything stay the same?

In reality, everything is the same,

What I want to change stays,

A dream never realized,

Cotton candy clouds,

Floating through the dandelion crowds.

Is this stagnation really what I want?

It isn’t.

What do I do to change?

When these rose colored glasses,

Keeps me hoping till it passes,

The dreaded existentialism,

That moment before my panic hits,

My skin grows colder,

Goosebumps form and I cower,

No thunder blanket for me to escape to,

Breaths draw faster,

The pounding of my heart in my ears,

I don’t want to get older,

I don’t want to eventually die,

I haven’t done enough in life,

But I complain I’m too tired,

I can do it tomorrow,

It never comes.

Like my dreams,

They sail right passed me,

On the deck I see past-me,

I’m so weak and so frail,

While the light in his eyes hasn’t faded,

What’s he got that I don’t?

When it comes to mental illness,

I’d give you more if I could,

Even if it weren’t for my own good,

To keep everything the same,

A bribe that is given in vain,

Please don’t change,

Or if you have to, could I be the same?