To Live is to die.

I feel the need,

To run to you,

When I’m in need,

And feeling too,

Down for my own good,

Too down for my own sake,

I keep telling you I’m not obsessed,

Yet it’s the only answer that makes sense,

I want to let you go,

But every fiber in my body,

Keeps telling me,

That you dont want to be apart,

I’ve never been so sure and so blind,

To your feelings by putting my wants first,

I’ve always said that my emotions don’t mean more,

They just jump to the front and now I’m not so sure,

If you ever came first,

Will you ever?

Will my emotions ever subside,

The lowering of the tides,

A wave of regret, falls over my face,

A tsunami of despair,

Tears down tall structures,

The fear.

The fear is so immense,

I don’t want to let you go,

It has to be for the best.

I need to put this to rest,

Before I did my own grave,

Toppled onto, car after car,

Legs broken from the fall.

And still I stand,

Emerging from the wreckage,

By the power of God,

I’ve gotten through another thing.

Another ordeal,

Another voiceless appeal,

I’ve pleaded too much,

I’m broken from the pain,

I want to let go,

But I just can’t.

The Pressure

Under pressure,

It’s what you kept telling me,

But I couldn’t grasp it and pushed again,

Same old pressure,

Inside of my eye,

Throbbing like a heart, beating away my mind.

I still find myself asking where did you go,

If my crazy had been manageable you ain’t had to go,

So I sit here,

Is how these lines usually begin,

A neverending cycle I’m caught in.

I’m starting to get it,

A year and now some change,

Thought I was stable now I’m nowhere near,

Without you I still don’t know how I push,

Onward and ever, into the future,

Still I remain and without you I’m all the same,

You’re still pushing me,

Whether you acknowledge or not,

I still hear you in my ears, guiding me on.

But I still get those urges,

Statistically I’m 1 in 5,

But this is my every day.

Nothing much changed,

Constant barrage of insults recounting truths,

Mindfulness is broken,

Meditation hopeless,

When I’m left with these thoughts,

All I want is you,

But you aren’t here,

No longer a possibility,

But I can’t grasp it.

Why am I still waiting for you?

Why do I imagine your voice every night?

Why don’t I understand that you don’t love me?

What kind of magic do you have over me?

I know for certain that it’s not because you simply liked me,

If that were the case, this new girl would be my everything,

I could care less and I have no idea why.

She is giving me a chance,

Lettings feelings take her over,

She isn’t pushing me away like somebody I knew.

She says she even loves me,

Yet I keep telling her no.

I dont want to be with her because,

There’s somebody else,

Somebody who will never be there again.

I choose to stay alone,

If not with you then living life is fine alone.

What have you done?

Why can’t you see that I hurt?

Or maybe you do see and I only think of me,

Why can’t I see that you hurt!?

Why do I choose to see you as the villain,

Uncaring,

Unfeeling,

Cold to the touch,

Shivering chills,

I am not a crutch,

Stuffed full of pills.

Roasted in heat,

The pressure got to me,

Like you said you felt so long ago,

I can’t apologize enough,

But that isn’t what you want,

I have left you alone,

Why do I feel like I’m wrong?

Why do I think you want me to reach out,

You want me to tell you I’m still here,

But you don’t.

I already know you don’t.

You probably already moved on and give me no thought.

Why do you matter so much?

Are my feelings wrong?

I need a sign,

Please oh God,

Just tell me what I need to do.

Life: Snitches

Tight lips keep tight grips,

At least that’s what they told me.

What’s a man to do,

When he can’t even trust his homies?

I may not have been

Born on the streets,

But I was part of them,

They courses through my veins,

Deteriorated my insides,

As if it were a carcinogen.

I was afraid,

I kept my enemy closest,

But was I a step ahead?

I wasn’t who I wanted… To be,

Wasn’t who I could have… been,

Wasn’t my potential,

Potentially a monster,

Potentially a nothing,

I definitely lived up to nothing.

Or so I thought.

Here I stand expressing my heart,

What’s on the inside,

A mess of emotions and thoughts,

Half baked to a crisp,

Again I’m seeing the Will-O-Wisp,

Floating above in the night sky,

Showering down on the streets,

Yes I’m back on the streets.

Digging my soles into the ground like cleats,

Trying to come up like this is some kind of feat.

Strangers all around me,

Even the man in the mirror,

What you bang,

What you bang,

It’s all the same.

People looking for family but ignoring blood,

Dude I’ll in the streets calling for blood,

To avenge their family.

It’s all meaningless,

Yet has a superficial meaning,

You might call it a flesh wound,

Some might call it the way of life,

To act in these streets, to be in these streets,

To shoot, get shot at and die to the creep.

Would I, Could I, Have I?

Could I do it

Would I do it

Have I done it

It’s an easy concept to grasp,

But harder with the follow through,

Thoughts are all consuming,

As if it were a barrel drowning in Niagara,

Stagger-RUN!

Staggering,

And done.

I give up and hope to continue on.

Mistakes are shaking hands,

Suggestions turn into demands,

When my advice is not taken,

Anger seethes and regurgitated.

Damn,

Broken cycles lie shattered,

Wishes and Dreams remain in tatters,

Would I ever steal if I had to?

Kill if I had to?

Could I look into their eyes,

As I put pressure on a knife,

But my face is unchanged,

A smile that says everything is still the same,

I do not believe,

I just cannot agree,

Overuse of uncontracted,

Words show the truth is not happening,

It’s a facsimile,

Fresh off the boat from Italy, you can’t take it seriously.

Have I done it?

Untitled (2)

The love of my life,

No longer loves me,

The days that were so bright,

Have now turned gray.

Wandering through life,

Unable to make sense,

Of the noise in my head,

Flashing images like,

Flipping through channels,

Revisiting memories you’ve tucked away,

Determined to keep away.

Until you remember,

The sorrow without her presence,

How the sound of her voice,

A lighthouse to my mind,

Guiding me through the waters,

Though it may be too dark to see,

With her I can make it back home,

Safe and sound by God I swear.

I swear she is the one,

But to her I’ll only be “The Wasn’t,”

My heart aches, why choose to hate me?

Drama

Drama,

It feels like it follows me everywhere,

Is what I’d like to say but,

I know inside that I’m so,

Used to it,

That when it’s calm,

I gotta stir stuff up and,

Make it a calamity.

I wish you’d believe me,

That it’s not my intention,

These aren’t my true feelings,

This is what I feel like,

At this moment,

As I breakdown into tears.

I’ve done it again,

I can’t believe it again.

How do I do this?

Can’t I see the consequences?

My mind is a jumble and I…

Have no excuse.

I just don’t think,

Although you encourage me to,

It’s a bad habit that’s hard to break,

I feel that I can’t,

But I know it’s untrue,

Him having guided me,

Her now here for me,

I see my life, a tapestry of changes.

Not all at once,

Little by little.

Day by day.

The hole in my heart,

Is becoming whole.

Drama persists,

My eyes start twitching,

I’ve got to seek the sunlight,

Cleanse my soul,

But the urge hasn’t yet gone,

Suppressing the beast,

Becoming one with peace.

Cool air in,

Warm air out,

Drama getting smaller,

But still there,

Ever still there,

Will it go away?

Thoughts About Touchy Subjects and Their Consequences

These feelings we both have,

Differing views,

Are better left said,

Than not.

The truth always comes out,

At least that’s how I feel,

And we’d both feel a lot better now,

Than later when we’re deep,

Just figuring it out.

Might that we fight,

Often too,

But really they’re arguments,

And we get over those.

Some people would break,

The old me would run,

The old me wouldn’t have answered,

But then again,

The old me was never in…

Over his head, yes I was.

I’m getting the hang of it,

Though you may not be seeing it,

I’ve noticed quite a change.

Thanks to you,

I’ve moved a lot farther from the person I’ve always been,

That’s not saying I still don’t have things to work on,

We both know I do,

But now I know I’ve got to be more,

Considerate,

Appreciative,

Understanding,

And so much more that I’ve yet to learn.

This long walk between a Buck and a Doe,

Won’t be over anytime soon,

We’re here for the haul,

I’ve got my rope, do you have yours?

Expectations

Alone

I can’t describe,

This feeling of loneliness,

To be surrounded by people,

Yet to feel so empty.

All I’ve ever really wanted was you,

Or so I thought.

I make excuses as to why,

I can’t be calm,

I won’t ever be happy,

I’m not ever focused enough,

And they were true,

Or so I thought.

Drowning in myself,

Thoughts always spinning,

My head is effectively,

A cement truck,

And where are you?

That’s half rhetorical.

I know you’ve got your own life going on,

And I know you think this means I can’t handle it,

You’re wrong,

I’m wrong,

What’s it like feeling alone,

in the middle of a crowd?

As if I were in a vast desert?

What’s it like to be at a concert,

In between bands,

Stuck around smelly people,

Worried about your size?

Like I’m the one on stage,

All eyes on me,

Full of hate,

but why do I matter?

Why am I alone?

I curl in a ball,

They come rushing onto the stage,

With malice intent,

I guard my head with my arms,

But the pain never comes.

I wake up and find I’m lost in thought,

talking to you.

Why do I lose focus?

Especially with friends,

It’s y’all that I should cherish,

And not expect my end.

Why?

Why for God sakes, can’t I have you?

I know your reasons and they all make sense.

I’ve always been about respect,

But I don’t want to be anymore,

I don’t want it if it’s forced,

But I find myself asking over and over again.

Why?

Why do I love you?

Why do you look for sex in other places?

Why the fuck do I love you?

Why can’t you stop and just settle down?

Not everybody is about that life,

I feel that,

But you already got a kid and your own everything else.

“Relationships are messy.”

So is murder,

But you killed what we had like nothing,

Yes I’m upset, was it so obvious?

You’re my muse and the reason I wake up,

I ain’t trying to be childish.

I just got to get some shit off my chest,

I really fucking love you…

Damnit.

Why do I go on?

Because I need to.

How can you move on? I mean, just move on like that tho?

Did I ever really matter?

Did what we have matter?

Did all that pillow talk mean anything,

Or the times when we said “mhm”,

But we knew what each other meant.

How could you burst my bubble so callously?

That pin prick-Judas kiss.

I wanted to settle down with you, girl,

Oh, my bad,

I forgot that every time I tried to say something romantic it only ever came off as stalkerish and I was moving too fast.

Why?

Why do my words mean so little to you?

While yours me the world to me,

Why?

Why did we catch feelings so quickly, only to be quashed in the blink of an eye?

Why?

Why the fuck do I love you so damn much?

Why don’t you want to be with me?

What the fuck is so wrong with me?

Passion gets my words twisted sometimes,

Sometimes I speak before I should.

The truth is that you ignite the flame in my heart and me telling you scares you more than it should.

I’ll be here, waiting for your return,

Ain’t nobody else meant for me,

Why?

I’ll always be by your side.