On Finding Love

They said I can’t find love,

Due to childhood trauma,

Most likely stemming,

From when I was abandoned by mama,

It’s something I need to work through,

But how do I know when I’ve done it?

My already low self confidence plummets,

Will I ever be ok?

Is it all just to fill a void?

A stupid coping mechanism,

Devised when I was a boy?

I was told this isn’t who I am,

But it’s all I’ve ever known,

The loneliness abundant,

Within isolation’s glow,

As I lay,

Dying in my tomb,

Constructed by my doubts,

Are the miniscule truths,

I don’t know if I’ll ever be ok,

I am who I am,

And that’s gotta be enough.

Doing Nothing; Expecting Something

I put myself out there again,

But I get nothing back,

What does it mean?

Did what I do not matter?

How will I know if what I’m doing is good?

I look a lot onto others,

I rely on their thoughts,

I’m a slave to them.

Why does it even matter?

Why do I care?

I keep asking but I get no answers,

I’ll always be searching if I can’t give it up.

I tell myself that nothing else matters,

As I keep getting worked up,

I give a fuck about what you say about me,

But I stress myself out,

If I feel like I can change,

I’ll do whatever it takes,

To be accepted,

To be respected,

To get this shit out of my head.

Why does it even matter,

Why do I care?

I keep asking but I get no answers,

I’ll always be searching if I can’t give it up.

Since my earliest memory,

I’ve always felt bad when I’m remembering,

Living up to the expectations,

What I thought was set up by my family,

I see know is my own reflections,

How I want to be,

All I want to see,

I’m sick of seeing everybody else make it,

Why can’t it be me,

How come I could never see that,

Why does it even matter?

Why do I care?

I keep asking but I get no answers,

I’ll always be searching if I can’t give it up.

Until I get it,

Everything clicks,

Perseverance leads to productivity,

How can I accomplish,

How can I contribute,

When I just don’t act?

So I will,

I’ll make it up the hill.

Eating Myself Away

I’ve got an addiction,

Maybe more like an affliction,

I’ve got no self control,

I fuck with Uber Eats,

Cuz they got what I need,

Or so I keep telling myself,

I wanna be healthy,

I wanna be lean,

I don’t feel like putting in effort,

I’m too busy living in daydreams.

I’ve got an addiction,

Maybe more like an affliction,

I can’t stop myself,

Eat enough to get too stuffed,

Hate myself more than enough,

It hurts to move,

About to explode,

My thoughts turn to vomiting,

Back in the kitchen it keeps calling me,

I need to get out,

Bigger and bigger; I’m being weighed down

I’ve got an addiction,

Maybe more like an affliction,

Something I can’t escape from,

How can I stop when I need food to live,

I know I need to stop,

But my thoughts can’t be dropped,

There’s more,

Just let me get seconds,

It’s still left over,

Thirds and fourths are a blessing,

No it isn’t, it’s always a curse,

Never use Tupperware,

We don’t believe in leftovers,

I need it all now,

Before I’m on my deathbed,

I hope I can be hand fed,

I’ve got an addiction,

Maybe more like an affliction.

Face Mask

I feel like I’ve got a face mask,

Face mask,

Not because of the pandemic,

Because of the judgement, I can feel it,

They looking into my soul,

Through my eyes like they’re holes,

Windows, so I’ve been told.

This mask that I have,

It looks a lot like me,

But the person I hope to be,

Not who I truly am,

But even this mask isn’t who I want to be,

Why can’t I seem,

To hide myself completely,

Underneath a face mask,

Face mask,

I wear it even in the bath,

What kind of shady aftermath?

Or was it by happenstance?

This mask that I got on,

It shows my flaws but that’s not all,

It cries and begs for someone else,

But when they come I want someone else,

It’s like when I try to pass the time,

I’m in my mind and feel so blind,

Nothing lasts except this boredom,

At the bar I ask them to keep pouring ’em,

But eventually it all stops,

Fake

Everybody’s fake,

Sittin’ in the crowd,

Looking all the same,

Everybody is your best friend,

Until it ain’t convenient,

Or until their better friend,

Decides you ain’t worth it.

Talk behind my back,

Friendly when they see you,

Your biggest critic when they don’t,

Everybody has a lot to say,

Unless it’s to your face,

Then all their buddies know,

All the drugs you’re on,

All the people you’ve screwed over,

How they were your best friend,

Through the thin and especially the thick,

But all those times you look around,

Lonely as can be,

It’s tough to not be mad,

When nothing goes bad for them,

Just be glad and not sad,

That it’s all going worse for me.

And for some reason they hate me,

So I hate them.